Dating an American Girl Means Always Talking About Her Vagina

Having a foreign boyfriend or girlfriend isn’t easy–just ask anybody in a multi-cultural relationship and they’ll be happy to tell you why their significant other is such a weirdo.  Most of my conversations with my girlfriends all inevitably wind up at some point discussing the strange things our partners do (well, this might have to do with gender rather than cultural specifics, but I haven’t figured that out yet).  Trying to explain things like who the Kardashians are, or why Americans eat cheez-whiz to an Italian is about as easy as carrying a monkey on a unicycle–and the same goes for the reverse.  I will still never understand why Italians think air-conditioning is the root of all evil, or that it’s acceptable for men to wear white speedos at the beach and strut around scaring all the Americans, so we’re straight in my opinion.

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT:  GUYS, I’VE TOTALLY GONE ALL BADASS AND JOINED A GANG.  This week, my friend Georgette who runs the super awesome site Girl In Florence invited me into the coolest group of expats in Italy (we’re working on an intimidating name, gang sign and possibly monogrammed biker jackets–stay tuned).  Each time, they choose a common topic of discussion regarding Italian life and talk about it–what ensues is absolute hilarity, acuity and also some really damn good writing, if I do say so myself.  Let’s introduce you to the gang:

 

Georgette of “Girl in Florence“—an American social media strategist, copywriter, blogger and a certifiable ‘Tuscan Texan’ living and breathing all things Florence. Social inside and out, she lives in the moment and eats way too much pasta. She blogs about life in Italy, travel around Europe {and the world}.  Read her article here: What’s It Like Being With An American.

 

 

 

 

‘M’ is a 30-something (something low) American Texpat, living and working in her husband’s tiny hometown in the province of Reggio Emilia. Her blog, “Married to Italy“, is home to her rants and raves and serves as her therapeutic search for hilarity amongst the chaos.  Read her article here:  “Married to Texas”.

 

 

 

M. Elizabeth Evans of  “Surviving in Italy“ – an American expat trapped between two worlds with her badass husband, his chest hair, and their poodle. She is a writer and partner of House Of Ossimori. Her award-winning blog Surviving In Italy, aims to honestly portray her life in Italy, the sober times, the drunken times, the yelling, food, family, and on occasion her obsession with the majestic Capybara. She’s also terrible at writing Bios. Someone do it for her next time, okay?  Read her article here: What Is It Like To Be Married To An American?

 

Rick Zullo of “Rick’s Rome“ – an American expat living in Rome. Born in Chicago and raised in Florida, he came to the Caput Mundi in 2010 and forgot to go back. When he’s not exploring his adoptive hometown or writing for his blog, he spends his time teaching the world English, one Roman at a time. Rick is also the author of the silly little eBook, “Live Like an Italian,” available on Amazon.  Read his article here: “Italian Girls Dating American Men.”

 

 

 Rochelle Del Borrello of “Unwilling Expat”—an Australian journalist by trade, something she has thankfully left behind to write, photograph and taste life in Sicily, an experience she shares on her blog Unwilling Expat.  Rochelle is currently hating people’s obsession with the Selfie, Geordie Shore and the confusing world of Italian politics and liking Stromae, The Voice Italy, Springtime in Sicily and collaborating with other certifiable Expats in Italy.  Read her article here: So You’re Married to a Foreigner…An Italian Perspective. 

 

 

Luckily, Francesco was willing to be a good sport and let me harass him with a bunch of questions for this blogging topic, which is cool because he actually grew up in England, so although his father is Florentine and he’s lived the past 12 years in  Florence, he has the perspective of both an English and Italian man which I find interesting.  Running a restaurant in the city center is incredibly time-consuming, so I had to catch Francesco in between delivery orders, phone calls & opening up the restaurant.  Here’s what he had to say:

 

Me:  So thanks for doing this interview.  First question–have you ever dated an American girl before?

Francesco: No, you’re my first dating American girl.

Me:  Nice English.

Francesco:  Thanks, grammar police.

 

Me:  What’s the first stereotype about American girls that pops into your mind?  Like for me with English people, all I think about is tea parties and crumpets.  Or loud people with dramatic nonnas for Italians.

Francesco: Loud and proud.

Me: (laughing.)  Loud and proud, eh?

Francesco: And noisy.  Really noisy.  Very confident.  (pauses).  Obviously beautiful.

Me:  Good answer!  Well, at least the last part anyways.

 

Me:  How are American girls different from English or Italian girls?

Francesco:  They’re not as conservative.  American girls tell things how they feel, straightaway.  And you guys don’t keep things in, which is actually a good thing.

Me:  So you like the fact that I am loud and obnoxious?

Francesco:  Yeah.  I’ve learned a lot about your vagina that way.

Me:  What?

Francesco:  American girls, you all talk about sex all the time.  Every time we’re out, I hear something about it.  In the piazza, in a bar, in front of other guys…  You talk about your vagina all the time.  It’s weird.

Me:  Well, you’re welcome for having a girlfriend who keeps you so well-informed on the workings of the female body.  If I didn’t tell you what was happening with my girly bits, then you’d never know anything about me!

Francesco: Well I know you have an angry vagina.

Me:  This is true.  She can be a real bitch sometimes.

 

Me:  Would you ever consider moving to America?  If not, why?

Francesco:  Not at the moment, no.  With work and Zola and everything, we’ve got too much going on at the moment for me to even think about it right now.  I can see myself living in America in the future for sure, but at the moment, not yet.

 

Me:  What is the weirdest thing your American girlfriend does around you?

Francesco:  Pants like a dog.  Pretends to be a dog in the mornings.

Me:  What?! I’ve never done that!

Francesco:  Hey, this is MY interview so I get to say whatever I want and you have to print it.

Me:  Well you can’t just lie because you feel like it.  I don’t remember ever panting like a dog in the mornings.

Francesco:  Sure you have.  Or go, “WooOoOOo!”

Me:  Give me one example of a time where I’ve done that.

Francesco:  Uh, many times.

Me: That’s your example?

Francesco: Of what?

Me: Give me one example of a time where I’ve gone, “WooOoOOo!”

Francesco:  Just now.

Me: Come on!  That’s the weirdest thing I do?!  There’s gotta be something that I do that’s strange or different. I’m a pretty weird person.

Francesco: Not really.

Me: Maybe YOU’RE the weird one for talking absolute nonsense while I interview you.  Stop looking at your phone!!

Francesco:  Next question, please.

 

Me:  Does your girlfriend’s status as an American affect your relationship?  If so, how?

Francesco:  No.  Absolutely not.  That’s rubbish.

Me:  Really?  But don’t you think it would have been easier dating an EU citizen or someone from your own country?

Francesco: Nope.

Me:  Wow, that’s surprising, considering how much money you’ve spent paying for my permesso and flights back and forth from Italy to the States.

Francesco:  It’s fine, you can pay me back later.

 

Me: Okay, last question. How do you feel about having an American girlfriend?

Francesco:  Great.  I love it.  (looks distractedly at cell phone).  Are we done now?

Me:  Yes, we’re finished.  Thanks for your eloquent responses.