Like Britney Spears, only without the shaved head and failed marriages….I’M BACK BITCHES.
If you’re wondering why you haven’t heard from me in a few weeks, never fear–I’m about to fill you in on all the glorious details of where I’ve been hiding. We’re gonna do this in the Reader’s Digest version so that I don’t get bored and you don’t start hating me for taking up hours and hours of your precious internet trolling time. Deal? Good.
Important Fact: My computer charger broke 3 weeks ago, and so did all methods of communication between me and the outside world.
This is the most essential piece of information that you’ll need to understand what’s been going on. Now, since most of you are reading this on your computers/tablets/smartphone thingys, you’ll appreciate the sheer terror I felt when I woke up to find that beautiful green blinking light on my computer charger dead and gone. I WAS TRAPPED IN A TECHNOLOGIC WASTELAND, PEOPLE. I’m lucky to have made it out alive.
Now if you live in a normal country, you’d just go out and buy a new charger that day and you’d be up and running in no time. When you live in Italy, however, trying to do the most mundane tasks suddenly becomes harder than trying to scale Mount Everest with a cigarette in your mouth and high heels on (like any classy Italian lady would do, of course). I won’t bore you with the painful ordeal I went through in order to get my computer up and running again, but by god I almost jumped the Amazon delivery man this morning when he knocked on my front door.
Now, in 2 minutes or less, here’s what’s been happening in Florence in the past month…
1. An epic hailstorm took a big icy shit all over Florence and also flooded my house.
Sadly, no photos were taken of the house flooding because I was too busy screaming at Francesco to get a mop before our TV got soaked and electrocuted us.
2. I worked 947.5 hours in a bar with my boyfriend and didn’t kill myself.
Even when I witnessed some absolute monstrosities, such as a guy who chugged a liter of beer and then threw up into it or the shitty 19 year old who, after getting kicked out by F for trying to pour her own beer from the bar tap into a stolen glass, screamed at me “What are you, like some 40 year old working at a bar? Get a life!”
And yes, I’m still waiting for my medal of honor.
3. Zola got fleas, and then gave them to me.
You try explaining why you’ve suddenly got a cluster of angry red bites underneath your boobs. I’ll tell you why. Because everyone likes boobs–including fleas.
4. We rented a badass minivan and drove to Munich for the weekend to pick up my parental units, who were in town visiting my German aunt and uncle.
Don’t worry, it only took us 11 hours (normal driving time=7 hours) and one giant circle-jerk around Munich to finally get home. Who needs a GPS or a map when you’ve got illegible road signs in the German countryside?! #idiotsonaroadtrip
5. I drove for the first time in Italy (see above) AND IT WAS AWESOME. Stay tuned for when I decide to get my Italian driver’s license and become the next Dale Earnhardt Jr.
Aaannnnndd time’s up! Stay tuned for more new and exciting stories and updates. Now that my computer is working again, it’s only a matter of time before something else ridiculous happens….we are talking about Italy, after all.